just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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