all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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