I got chris browned last night
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish I only lived at night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
