Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
