So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
