i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
