You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How external is "for external use only"?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
