Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He passed out mid-signature
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
