I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
