i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
