How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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