11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
