I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
