Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
