As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
