I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
