i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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