if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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