Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize