I wish you could order shots online.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
