I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
