my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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