Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
