There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize