How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
