This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
