what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
