He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
