Duck Duck Cougar?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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