as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
