Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
