is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
