i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Shame is for Republicans.
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