i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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