I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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