ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
