Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
