I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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