whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
