Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
