i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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