So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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