I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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