Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
