I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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