She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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