i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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