My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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