last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Randomize
