Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
