Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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