Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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