I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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