its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
