you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
