Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
