she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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